The Divine

So you're Bette Midler. Jeez, you don't care how the hell you look, do you? Can I have a bite of your burrito?

Bette

Of course. Are you hungry. Shall we order something?

The Divine

Nah. I'II just nibble.
(She then proceeds to devour my burrito which, needless to say, never touches my plate again.)

Bette

Well, how does it feel being back in your old neighborhood now that you're such a big and glamorous star?

The Divine

Oh, great, great! Can I have a sip of your Coke?  
(I hand her my Coke.  In a flash, the glass is drained.)

Bette

You feel comfortable with your roots then?

The Divine

Oh, my! Why do you ask? Are they showing? Wait till I getmy hands on that ditsy hair-burner. I'II murder the little rat.

Bette

Oh, no. Don't do that. Your hair looks wonderful. Although it is a trifle on the blond side, is it not?

The Divine

Yes, it is. In honor of the spring solstice, I'm entering my primavera stage. They call this particular shade Naughty Narcissus. It was recommended to me by my podiatrist.  Of course, she hasn't got a hair left on her, head, although she has plenty on her feet. 

Bette

I see. But tell me, isn't life very different for you now that you're so rich and famous?

The Divine

Oh, definitely. I have a lot of money and people recognize my face.

Bette

I meant in some deeper, more spiritual way.

The Divine

You want me to get philosophical, don't you? My dear, where have you been? Don't you know that intellectualizing just blocks your circuits, stifles your energy, and otherwise murders the life-force? You must learn to be direct, immediate, totally honest with yourself, with waiters, with the world.

Bette

Are you?

The Divine

Certainly not. I love deceit. I thrive on fraud. As far as I'm concerned, if you can't lie to yourself, what's the point of going on?

Bette

That's a rather unorthodox way of looking at things.

The Divine

Not at all. Millions of people are nourished by that thought every day. Reality is so boring, you see. That's why I moved to L.A., where there is no reality.

Bette

You like Los Angeles?

The Divine

I love Los Angeles. It's two-hundred-and-fifty square miles of Ripley's Believe-it-Or-Not. And you can always tell when you're approaching L.A.- you can hear the sound of thousands upon thousands of blow dryers wafting over the Santa Ana Freeway.

Bette

And how do you find Hollywood?

The Divine

You bear left after the Holland Tunnel. If you run into the Pacific, you've gone too far.

Bette

I meant, what do you think of Hollywood?

The Divine

Darling, you cannot say think and Hollywood in the same sentence.

Bette

Well, anyway there you are, living out one version of the American Dream. Tell me honestly, do you still find life exciting now that you have achieved such unparalleled success?

The Divine

Success, my dear, is in the eye of the beholder. And I tend to have a very jaundiced eye.

Bette

Well, Nietzsche ...

The Divine

Who?

Bette

Nietzsche, the great German philosopher.

The Divine

Are you sure you work for After Dark? Or do you mean Terry Nietzsche, that great philosopher-actor-masseur?

Bette

I don't think so. The Nietzsche I mean said that challenge is what makes life exciting. With all that you have accomplished in your twenty-three years, is there any challenge left for you?

The Divine

To tell you the truth, the real challenge went out of life for me the moment they actually produced a man-in-the-moon marigold. You see, when I was a child, divine though I was, I wasn't particularly into the razzle-dazzle of show biz. No, no, no. I was, as a matter of fact, very heavily into botany. Every year I'd send away for one of those Burpee seed catalogs. Remember - the ones with the twelve inch zinnias on the cover and a small, tasteful insert of a carrot?  Well, each year I'd pray that no one had yet come up with a perfect white marigold, because I knew, I knew, that if I was a real good girl and tried real hard, I would come up with that precious seed and win the ten thousand dollar contest. So every year I'd plant my whole backyard with nothing but marigolds and wish with all my heart that one of them would turn out white. Well, some little old lady in Iowa did it about three years ago, and something just went out of my life.

Bette

That's amazing

The Divine

Yeah. Well, could we try something in a lighter vein? This is for After Dark, after all, not the Saturday Review. You know whoever is reading this is just dying to flip through the pages and see what's new in kaftans and summer rentals.

Bette

Well, then, speaking of kaftans, are you fashion conscious?

The Divine

I'm barely conscious, period.

Bette

Well, somehow you manage to look terrific.

The Divine

That's because I just lost twenty pounds. I went on that liquid protein diet. Before they found out it was poison. I didn't mind it. It came in these plastic bottles that looked just like Janitor-in-a-Drum. Tasted like it, too. As a matter of fact, now that I think about it, maybe it was Janitor-in-a-Drum. Certainly cleaned me out. 

Bette

Besides weight loss, what do you think is the secret to looking good?

The Divine

Money. Lots and lots of money.

Bette

But you looked great when you were poor.

The Divine

Not as great as I do now.

Bette

What do you do with all your old outfits?

The Divine

No Collier Brother I. I send them all to a small island in the South Pacific. There is an entire tribe in Micronesia that is distinguishable from all the other islanders by the fact that they are clothed in rhinestone corsets and toreador pants.

Bette

Well, now that you can afford to wear what you want, do you prefer the sporty or the more elegant evening look?

The Divine

Both. At the same time. I think a pair of tennis sneakers can create a simply stunning effect when worn with, let us say, a simple crepe de Chine by Halston. Providing, of course, that the frock is in one of your basic back-to-earth colors. Tawny beige, for example, would be just fine.

Bette

Well, so much for fashion. Movies. You're about to make one yourself.

The Divine

So I'm told.

Bette

What sort of picture will it be?

The Divine

Nothing with flying saucers. Nothing with sharks. Ballet dancers, maybe. I liked that picture where the car was possessed by the devil. I thought it combined all the best points of The Exorcist with Eat My Dust! Otherwise, I think I'II just stock  my picture with human beings.

Bette

Were there any films you particularly liked this year?

The Divine

The Turning Point. I liked that. Especially the first scene. You know - where Shirley MacLaine is sitting on a chair putting on her pumps and her feet are in perfect fifth position. Well, as soon as I saw that, I said to myself, "now here is a movie I am going to love. It's going to be about ballet, which I adore. And shoes, which are my life. And Julia. I loved Julia. But as you may have heard, my consciousness has been raised, so I am a sucker for any film in which two women, alone together, do not have a single conversation about men, hairdressers, or any household appliances whatsoever.

Bette

Of course, everyone is excited about your first film. Is there anything further you would like to say about it?

The Divine

Yes. Heelllppp!

Bette

Help? Do you feel a little insecure then, about going into this new form?

The Divine

Hell, no. I feel as secure as Cleopatra's pussy. (See box)

Bette

I see. May I ask you then what you think is the most important element in the making of a truly fine motion picture?

The Divine

Shoes. There! I've said it and I'm glad!

Bette

But of course you're not serious. The script, the director, the acting, the editing - certainly these things are as important as...shoes?

The Divine

Not really. Oh, they're important, I guess. To a point. But I say: "Give a girl the correct footwear and she can conquer the world."

Bette

You certainly seem to be hung up on shoes.

The Divine

Does that bother you?

Bette

Well, it just seems so...well, so superficial.

The Divine

And you were hoping for something more from me. Something astonishingly bright and meaningful.

Bette

Well, I did hold onto certain hopes, in spite of all the evidence to the contrary.

The Divine

Well, honey, just remember this: superficiality is the window through which the truly inventive mind allows itself to be perceived. It's mental modesty actually.

Bette

I'm not sure I can find any real sense in that.

The Divine

Oh, my, my, what fools these mortals be!

Bette

Isn't that line from something else?

The Divine

Everything's a line from something else. Originality is a chimera, a fake carrot held in front of the masses to make them think they can think, a mere will-o'-the-wisp of no consequence whatsoever. In fact, I venture to say that the only truly original thing to come along in the last two hundred years was Candypants. And look what happened to them. You see what I'm saying?

Bette

May we change the subject?

The Divine

If you insist.

Bette

Tell me then, with your records, TV, and now this movie, you certainly are one busy piece of divinity. What do you do to relax?

The Divine

I like to curl up by the fire with a good book and a great big bottle of Valium.

Bette

You know, the times have changed so much since you started in the business and I wonder, have you been happy with the seventies?

The Divine

Well, except for the decline of the dollar, the decay of our cities, Nixon's pardon, the rise of Euro-communism, widespread terrorism, having to sit through Saturday Night Fever, and a general malaise that defies description, I'd say I've been having a pretty good time.

Bette

It has been said that the seventies is the age of asexuality, Do you agree?

The Divine

Who said that? I bet it was Arthur Bell.

Bette

How did you know?

The Divine

Because only someone who can't get laid would say a thing like that. You know there's nothing worse than an ill-tempered little snake with a brain.

Bette

What a horrible thing to say.

The Divine

You're right. Leave out the part about the brain.

Bette

Do you like people, generally speaking?

The Divine

I never read that rag if I can help it. You, Us - God, I have ODed. I'm going to start a magazine  called Them. It's for those people who are paranoid and proud. It's going to concern itself totally with conspiracies, assassination plots, and reasons why someone might want to poison you. I just think it's time that paranoids had their lifestyles legitimized.

Bette

Well, I certainly look forward to reading it. I just don't know how you find time for all your various activities. You just completed a national tour, didn't you?

The Divine

It wasn't national exactly. Just the big cities. 

Bette

Indeed. Well, your opening night at the Copa certainly caused a stir. How did you feel about  playing New York again after being gone for awhile?

The Divine

I was a little nervous.

Bette

Why?

The Divine

Well, you know how New York is. If you're way, way down, they don't want to know from you because they think you're a bummer. If you're all the way on top, they get real skeptical that you're putting on airs, turning your back on your roots. The only time they really like you is when you're trying. That's the only thing that really excites New York - the act of trying. Which is understandable, I guess, when you think what an effort it takes just to get your laundry done in this burg. I mean, think about it. First you have to schlep it to the Laundromat, which is no mean feat in itself if you let it go as long as I do. Then even if you're lucky enough to find one of those places that will do it for you, your worries are far from over. There's always the chance that the machine will take it into its head to have a shit fit between the second wash and the final rinse, and eat everything you own. Or that the laundryman will drop the Clorox in too early and suddenly you've got a entire wardrobe of polka dots. And then, even if none of that happens, God only knows what you're going to find when you get your laundry home. I myself am the proud owner of one-hundred-and-seventy-six jock straps I got from doing my laundry next door to the YMHA on Ninety-Second Street. And someone in this town, probably even while we speak, is walking around wearing a dynamite pair of red lace panties I bought one day in a fit of divine madness.

Bette

Really?

The Divine

You know, there was a lady at the Laundromat I used to go to that I'II never forget. She weighed about two hundred pounds, and one hip was higher than the other, so she walked a little funny, but very gracefully in a strange way.  She was terrific. She might have been a bit handicapped, but boy could she fold. Then one day she wasn't there. They said she was ill. I wanted to send her flowers or something so I asked the owner where she lived. He didn't know. No one knew. Somewhere in the South Bronx, that's all they could tell me. I couldn't believe it. She worked there all those years and no one even knew where she lived. Every time I go through the South Bronx - on my way to Westchester, of course - I think about that lady.  You know, come to think about it, maybe she's wearing my panties. I hope so.

Bette

My God, that was heavy.

The Divine

Well, we could talk about hair again if you want - or shoes.

Bette

No. I'd just like to ask you one more question: Do you have a philosophy that guides you in your performances?

The Divine

The same as in life. Break clean and come out fighting.